“Washington D.C. is a city filled with people who believe they are important”
I enjoy game-shows. Not the geek-fests like University Challenge but those shows with rather ridiculous twists. You know the shows where average everyday humans will do almost anything for 15 minutes of fame and a large cash prize? The type of shows which have the older generations, reared on a diet of Countdown and Mastermind, shrieking “have they no shame?” Watch fifteen minutes of Takeshi’s Castle and you’ll see that humans have very little dignity when it comes to game shows.
Still, these large cash prizes never amount to anything near $100 million dollars. Which got me to thinking, what would you do for $100 million dollars? Perform naked at the Royal Variety Show? Fire yourself out of a cannon? Lose a limb? It’d certainly cure a few phobias too. Would you bungee jump out of a plane? Have a dozen tarantulas put in your bed?
I’m not sure man has a breaking point with all that money on the table. You have to think that for $100 million, people would do literally anything. One man who wouldn’t resort to such painful or shameless shenanigans is Washington Redskins’ Albert Haynesworth.
Now it’s not a glowing reputation or pride that Albert wants to keep in tow, oh no. Albert would just rather do something else, even if he is getting paid a lot of money to do whatever he’s told. When he agreed to his seven-year $100 million contract, Albert didn’t have to take his kit off on television or suck grapes out of his grandparent’s toes. He just has to play nose-tackle in the Redskins’ new 3-4 defensive system.
I’ve got to say, I’d have reservations about lining up at nose-tackle too. The thought of Brandon Jacobs trampling over me isn’t the most enticing prospect. After the first snap I’d probably resemble something close to a creature from whack-a-mole with my head the only thing above ground-level. But then my slight frame resembles more of a pre-pubescent boy than an NFL player. If I was 350 pounds and 6 ft 6 as Albert is, I think I’d fancy my chances there and if you were going to give me $100 million, I’d probably perform the role of tackling bag for you too. With his jockstrap stuffed so full of Benjamin Franklins, you’d think Albert would be a prime candidate to have two rather than three teammates join him in the trenches. Albert thinks otherwise.
If they were going to give me $100 million I’d also definitely make sure I was in pristine condition come training camp. Yes, $100 million could get me an unlimited supply of Wimpey’s finest, but it would also probably stretch to a treadmill and exercise bike. Unfortunately Albert didn’t arrive in condition to practice. Weighed down by all that money, he couldn’t complete some basic shuttle runs in the allotted time.
So he’s hardly helping himself. A woeful year last season and a rather apathetic attitude this pre-season has left him with few bargaining chips. He has used his phone-a-friend; his ask the audience and his 50-50. If Albert wants to get out of this frankly awful predicament, he has to pay some of that money back. Laughable, right?
I can only presume Redskins owner Dan Snyder does not share my liking of pain and comedy as he handed Albert the first $100 million contract in NFL history with few stipulations. Maybe the next time Snyder and the Redskins elect to throw such astronomical sums of money at someone, they’ll at least see if they’re willing to throw themselves out of a plane strapped to an anaconda for the team first.